let's go, jom!

Emm.. tetiba terasa

2012-01-11T05:08:00.001+01:00

nak belajar gitar.

or cello

(fulamak! cello terus! tak beragak-agak.)

bass guitar and acoustic guitar pun tak tahu nak beza.

hehe.

tapi, best kan kalau pandai main?

gitar ni cantik! macam feminine (wahh!)

cambest lah! :)

Ps. Tadi masa borak2 dengan bonda saya terperasan lagi 6 bulan kita nak sambut Ramadhan! cepatkan? Allahuakbar..

Yahoo!

2012-01-09T22:22:00.000+01:00

dah book tiket pegi Barcelona u ols!!

mak jemah tak sabar dah nak tunggu si farah nadziah tu datang sini.

dah berangan dah nak pegi mana, nak makan apa semua.

yang penting nak makang semua yang ada!!!

tolak batu kayu yang tak halal dan sewaktu dengannya.

baju semua dah masuk bag, u olsss!

ha! mak jemah tipu je! :))))

lambat lagi nak pegi weih! bulan jun kot! apa kes?

hehe!

tapi, yang penting apa dia akak-akak?

hah? ada duit?

engko ni fikir duniawi je tau!

yang penting umur panjang.. Allah bagi kesihatan yang baik..

permudahkan semua urusan sebelum nak pergi tu, semasa bercuti and selepas bercuti!

amin, insyaallah..

haa! tak sabar! :)

view from Parc Guell. mesti pegi ambik gambar mcm ni jugak! hehe! gambar ambik sini

bila tengok gambar2 tu teringat Lisbon. bila entah nak sampai lagi..

Semalam

2012-01-07T23:56:00.003+01:00

lepas bagi salam akhir masa solat maghrib terpandang ke arah tingkap.

and nampak ni..

masa ni rasanya lebih kurang pukul 5.30pm kot.

belum buka lampu bilik, so bila tengok luar tingkap terus macam terpegun kejap.

masyaAllah..

cantik sangat bulan masa tu. terang.

cepat-cepat ambil kamera.

cantiknya subhanallah..

pastu dengan pokok semua takde daun, macam sayu pun ada masa tu.

biasanya kalau tidur lebih suka buka langsir.

so kalau bangun pagi cahaya terus masuk rumah.

pagi tadi langit cantik...

masyaallah..

I read an article

2012-01-06T09:36:00.000+01:00

on the New York Times about decision fatigue and how it affects our willpower or self control. It explains how ego depletion process caused by the decisions that we have to make everyday weakens our willpower. But apparently the process can be controlled by glucose which energize our bodies. As ego depletion is related to energy level, and decision making needs energy, people tend to feel exhausted when they have to make a lot of decisions. Just imagine how much we have to make everyday. A lot!

It is an interesting read.I think everyone should read the article as it is useful in understanding how we react to making decisions and how the number of decisions that we have to make every day affect our daily lives.

Everyone would think that the article is talking about him/herself. I can totally relate to it. For example, when I want to buy something I will always think about the cost, whether the purchase is necessary or not, which one should be bought when you have few options, and the whole usual list of things I will think of when deciding on a purchase. I will think about it constantly, trying to decide and justify each option. But, the process of making the decision tends to drain my energy and I have to eventually have a decision. I want it so bad, I think about it all the time, but I know that I don't really need it. I'm split into 2 opposing sides trying to trump each others' desire. I will always feel tired of deciding which one to buy after sometime, and will end up not buying any like the oven or the blender that i really need. Or, I might end up buying totally unnecessary things like the LEGO I wrote about last week.

Fortunately the Millenium Falcon cost EUR149 (too expensive for a set) and the Hogwarts Castle is not available at the two stores I went to. But, I bought four sets of LEGO a day after the post! Yes, not one, but FOUR freaking sets. But seriously, I don't need four LEGO. And actually, not even one! I mean everyday they sit on my bookshelf staring at me looking very cute and small reminding me of how crazy my impulse is. You don't know how bad I felt after. Later I found out one of the sets I bought is sold at Toys r Us for RM379.90! that is almost 90 euro for a set! I don't know how much the other sets cost in the store because they are not available at its website. But I got 3 sets of Star Wars and a Harry Potter LEGO for just 60 euro! I feel a lot better after because that justify my unnecessary spending since I got more for less. Ok, whatever to make me feel less guilty.

But what I want to say is, please READ the article. It's very interesting. Everyone can relate to it. Especially about the dieting part.

An excerpt from the article:

"The discoveries about glucose help explain why dieting is a uniquely difficult test of self-control — and why even people with phenomenally strong willpower in the rest of their lives can have such a hard time losing weight. They start out the day with virtuous intentions, resisting croissants at breakfast and dessert at lunch, but each act of resistance further lowers their willpower. As their willpower weakens late in the day, they need to replenish it. But to resupply that energy, they need to give the body glucose. They’re trapped in a nutritional catch-22:

In order not to eat, a dieter needs willpower.
In order to have willpower, a dieter needs to eat." (Tierney, 2011)

picture from the article

Ps. Stock up on the sweets people! And have more willpower! :D

Setelah bercuti

2012-01-03T23:50:00.003+01:00

beriya2 sepanjang minggu lepas dan sebahagian minggu ni kalah omputih.

malam ini, untuk pertama kalinya aku bukak buku sekolah.

dan, ya!

kelmarin dan semalam aku tak pegi sekolah.

hari isnin boleh lah nak kira new new year's day.

monday blues y'all, pastu tahun baru pulak.

itu lah yang tiba-tiba 1 januari jatuh pada hari ahad dan isnin pada tahun 2012.

habis tu yang hari ni pun tak pegi sekolah kenapa?

oh, itu sebab ramai omputih cuti lagi..

hmmpphhh!

Happy new year 2012! :)

update:

aiseh! baru ingat nak study!

tengok2 cite ombak rindu dah tayang kat internet daa...

layan ombak rindu dulu sejam dua.

hah!! excitednya!!

*ambik bantal kecik. tutup lampu konon2 tengok kat tgv*

I've been on

2011-12-31T02:03:00.001+01:00

Eating rampage for the whole week, it's crazy!

I didn't notice it before that i tend to eat more around and during that time of the month. Simply because before i was never worried about my weight.Now that i'm trying to watch my weight, i became more aware of my eating habit. Not that i have weight problem (yet). But because i think it is unhealthy and totally not good for my wardrobe. I don't want to buy new clothes.

I was very good for the past few weeks that i managed to lose 1.3kg in a week just by eating moderately and not skipping my meals. On every weekend this month, there were always lunch invitations. But i was not worried. But this week, i was always hungry. Today i was tempted to go and buy my favorite butter cake at almost 7pm! Just because i was to lazy to change, i managed to resist the cravings. But man, i'm thinking about foods 24/7!

Tomorrow i'm going to get that butter cake and spread nutella butter frosting on it!

Oh yes! It's the last day of 2011!

Enjoy your year end everyone!

May we all have a chance to welcome 2012, insyaallah...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I really really really want

2011-12-25T04:55:00.000+01:00

these LEGO sets!

Star Wars: Millenium Falcon.

Harry Potter: Hogwarts Castle.

The only problem is both cost a total of almost GBP200!Thats a lot of money.I mean, it's not that i need them.I need a blender more than i need a totally cool lego.An oven is definitely better.I could spend the money to buy a good hand blender and an oven that have been in my wish list for as long as i remember, but thought they are too expensive.Decision.Decision.Decision.Hmm..maybe i should get only one of those legos.And,Maybe, finally get the blender and oven too so that i don't feel that guilty for buying the lego.Or,Maybe i should sleep the lego off.Who knows when i wake up tomorrow i will forget about it.Maybe.Yeah, right!

Maybe my next post will be about assembling both lego.Somebody save me!

i am so happy today!

2011-12-23T21:02:00.000+01:00

everything went well.

alhamdulillah..

the meeting with my promotor went well.

had a good discussion with him.

i think we both are happy. (well, i hope he is)

we discussed about a paper that i'm submitting to a conference in January. i need to do some changes so that i could add more information. we were talking about endnote (the reference manager that i'm using) and he said back then it was different and that he wasn't trained on the IT stuffs, so he still don't know how to use it. suddenly he went like "and do you know i have facebook now? and i have like 7 and a half friends. i don't know how to use facebook. i keep on getting friend request, but i don't want to accept them." LOL he's funny. and i don't know what it means by that 'half' bit. and he's not that old. he's only 44.

i think i closed the year (research-wise) pretty good.

still got a lot of things to figure out.

but, i will manage insyaallah..

after the meeting i stayed at the office for a while.

my workspace

only few people were in.

after zuhur i went to the centrum to look for books. suddenly i felt like reading Harry Potter. and i want to read the first book - Philosopher's Stone. Think i read it like almost 10 years ago. so, i was looking forward to reading it again. you know, that Harry Potter is married and everything. but that little Harry Potter is still my favorite. so, i wanted to get to know him all over again. i saw some of Harry Potter books at secondhand book shops at the centrum. but later i found out they don't have the title.

the store is called "Second Story". the owner was an english teacher. her pupils suggested that name. sweet!

i met the owner of this bookstore. she is sooooo nice! she gave up her job to open it after her husband passed away. she didn't knew anyone here before. but, she just took her chance. and she is so happy now. it was her dream to have 2nd hand bookstore. and my dream too! i was so tempted to work part-time there. the store is so pretty and very cosy. like a personal library with books from floor to ceiling. and it has this antique looking railing where you can put a ladder there to climb and look for a book. and she lives on the 2nd floor. how nice is that? she can always go downstairs at 10 at night, and choose any books she wants! totally my kind of dream. ha! i wish... but, one day i will have my own bookstore, insyaallah. so yes! what i'm going to do is read more. buy more books. and yes! sell it later. haha! anyway, before i went there, i was already planning to take pictures of its interior. but, i totally forgot about it after i talked to her. hence, the above picture. seriously, the bookstore is so nice. i want one like that. and she gave me discounts for my books :) anyway, i did take a picture when i went there last month.

i love this bookend!

after i spent some time at the bookstores and walked around the centrum, i went to Bagel & Beans for lunch. my favorite spot for bagel and hot chocolate. i had my usual - tuna melt.

reading my new book and eating super delicious bagel

i did a very stupid thing before i got to settle down with that book and that bagel. it was so funny (and embarrassing), i couldn't help not to laugh. i think i looked a bit weird. and a bit disoriented. ok, here's the story.

the cafe & the green door

you see that green (ok, blackish in the picture) door? i don't know why i got confused which door is the cafe's because i went there so often, i think i could find my way with my eyes closed. ok, i exaggerated there. but you got me, right? but i think you could guess it by now that, yes, i went straight to that green door and tried my hardest to open it, but it didn't budge even a bit. in my mind, i was already registering that the door won't open from outside without a key. and, that it was strange that i couldn't get the door to open today, before it was fine. and i was thinking, did they change the door or something. but, i kept on turning the doorknob (which won't turn of course because it's only a door handle) and at the same time peering into the cafe helplessly hoping that somebody would realize that i desperately need someone to open the door for me. when i was there, there were people sitting at the front window (no one was sitting outside because well, it's winter) so they definitely saw that weird looking girl trying to break the green door. but, i think they thought that i really wanted to go into that door. but, seriously i look so stupid. you couldn't imagine. and then, i thought that the people inside were having like a private bagel lunch party or something, so they locked the door. and i wasn't in the guess list, so i didn't know the cafe was not open for public during lunch hour. but, man! who would have a bagel lunch party? i won't. and then, revelation came upon me with sudden white-eye-piercing-light that the white ~~stupid~~ nice looking door was the one i should break for fooling me! but anyway, i have to be a fool once in awhile. i had a nice laugh at myself. so, everything is good..

and after that, i walked around the centrum. window shopped (at first). one of the shops i went into was Esprit. i really like their Make a Wish Campaign. it's on TV with random people showing their wishes. and they put some of the pictures in their stores too.

i really like this one.

and this one.

and i actually like the jacket and the cardigan too. a lot. i really love the campaign. we all could relate to their wishes. you should check the videos on youtube. they are really nice. especially the kids' videos. they are so cute!

look at that. what's not to love? check out his wish. he's so clever. and funny! :)

and later, i met Mariam and her daughter, Hanna. Hanna is one clever and talkative girl! i absolutely adore her. we met for coffee. and Hanna had this colouring sheet Mariam bought at the cafe with small colouring pencils, so we both helped Hanna colour it. i forgot to take a picture! ha! i should take one. after coffee, we went to look for stuffs. bought presents for Safiyah's birthday next week. she loves Hot Wheels. so we both bought HW sets for her and got 5 HW cars for free! how's that? she will be over the moon! and then, we went to another store. and while Mariam was looking for a curtain for her new house, Hanna and i took pictures!

Mariam had to wait for her husband to join them at the centrum. so, waited for him at another store. Mariam shopped a little. but, Hanna and I thought that Dora the Explorer was nicer. so, we stayed at the kid's section.

it was in Dutch. so i didn't understand a thing. Hanna was wearing a Hello Kitty earmuff i gave her. she loves Hello Kitty.

Hanna & Mariam

oh yes! while i was looking for Safiyah's present. I found this.

VW Beetle. so cute, i have to have it.

i wrote a lot! and put a lot of pictures too! maybe I'm too happy today, that's why..

but, all in all i'm so grateful for everything i have in life. i have some difficulties. but we all are. life is not perfect. but there's beauty in all of the imperfections. we learn, we grow. we cope. we fall. but, we all get up again. and start over. alhamdulillah.. thank you Allah for everything you've given to me.

today, i went to school on foot. it wasn't that busy on the streets because most people are already on holiday. so, while walking i did reflect a little on how i've been doing this year. i won't wish for it to be different. ok, that's a lie. of course i wish things were easier. but they were not. so, i learned my lessons. and i went around centrum on foot too. while walking, suddenly i realized that i love Delft a lot! i really am. delft is my kind of town. small. cosy. peaceful. i will miss it a lot when i have to leave. so, i've decided to have a great time here. do great things. just live. and have fun. i walked a lot today. but, i'm used to walking now since my bike was stolen early november. got a new bike now. and it's pink and gray. with pictures of flower on it. and has white little basket. i think it is a little too cute for me. so, since i got the bike few weeks ago, it spent more time in the basement than in the daylight. it's a 2nd hand bike. but, was only used for 2 months. so, the bike looks as if it is new. and i got it for just 100 euro. and that was a huge bargain. so, i can't complain. i just don't get around the idea of riding a pink bike. that's all. but, i will in time.

since it is almost end of the year. i want to make my wish too. so, I would like to wish for:

Allah to bless my loved ones, friends, teachers, and everyone with love, happiness, good health, patience and iman.. for Him to bring us closer to Him and lead us to his right path, amin..
me to have a successful year in my studies.
the ability to handle pressure better.
more smiles.
my papers to be accepted in top journals.
presenting my papers in at least 3 conferences (in beautiful places, please) :P
lots and lots of love. (ya Allah, send my PhD boyfriend already, please! we need to be ~~miserable~~ happy doing research together)
more fun, less stress.
a white mini cooper s countryman, please.. ok, fine! i can settle for a mini(ature) version. i won't complain.
ok, less pollution! if a kid wished for it, a perfectly grown up me should have a sense of wishing for it too. afterall, my research is about sustainability. so, yeah! i wish for less pollution. for people to use less plastic bags. to recycle. use energy efficiently. use public transport more. or carpool. care for less fortunate people. don't let mother nature get angry. plant your own tree. or flower. or herbs. or serai? don't waste water. because you know what? if each one of us do our part of being more responsible for our actions/inaction, the world will definitely will change for the better. if the system won't change, we should. eventually, the system will have to follow us! so, go green! live long and prosper! ok, i started to preach. and this is going awfully long. it's time to stop.
ok last one! i wish for peace around the world especially in Palestine and all countries which are in conflict.. for people to be more tolerant and responsible.. and love each other regardless of our differences.
and for honest people to be in power!
ok, the last one, really. for only national/state flags to be raised! bendera merah and bendera putih.. or black and white checkered flag je boleh. ok, whatver.

so, yeah! again..

peace, y'all! don't be too serious. u'll get wrinkles.

it's ok for Spock to be serious. but not us.

he looks cool. we don't.

nice weekend everyone!

i will, insyaallah :)

i have to

2011-12-23T00:08:00.001+01:00

work now.

ok. scratch that.

i don't really have to work now.

but this comic strip would sum up my life (most days).

brilliantly.

Ps. I blog almost everyday now because I've deactivated my facebook. thinking of deleting it for good. but, i might need it one day. so, i will just let it sit at the naughty corner facing the wall for now.

I am

2011-12-21T15:10:00.004+01:00

so happy!

not because I got a PhD boyfriend already.

but because I just had a discussion with my supervisor.

that was the last discussion for 2011.

I think it went well.

alhamdulillah...

i have a meeting with my promotor on Friday.

the last one for this year too.

i soooo looking forward to close 2011!

hopefully the meeting will go well too, insyaallah..

so, i could end 2011 early on friday!

and have a nice holiday after.

i can't wait for 2012!

i want to be better in 2012.

start a new chapter.

to worry less. have more fun. work more too.

amin, insyaallah..

may Allah grant me to live healthier and happier, amin..

but,

first I have to finish my paper.

yes, I can!

i just have to keep pushing.

and persevere!

come on, karimah!

chaiyok chaiyok!

and then...

HO HO HOLIDAY!!!!!

I need

2011-12-20T23:26:00.000+01:00

a boyfriend.

who is also cracking his head.

or, on the verge of mental breakdown.

studying a single thing he may never use.

that will be culminated in 3 years.

and reduced to a 25 minutes talk.

of summarizing that single thing.

and an hour.

of arguing about the 4 years that will/won't be missed.

so, where art thou?

oh, PhD boyfriend?

i need you now.

so we could suffer together.

its romantic, that way.

I am so

2011-12-15T01:09:00.001+01:00

Happy today. The most stressful 3 days of this week are over.

Had classes from 9am to 5pm for 3 days. But, i had to skip the class on Tuesday because i had a meeting with a professor somewhere in Wageningen. The actual plan was to attend the class in the afternoon after the meeting. But, what happened was i took a wrong train home that went completely to the opposite direction of where i was supposed to be going.

The story is, I had to make two transfers to reach Delft. The first train was ok. The second one was not. You see, i had to make my first transfer in Utrecht. The train station is big, and it was my first time there (ok, 2nd time lah sebab dah return trip). I didn't really check my travel planner, so when i went to the platform a train was already there. Everyone was rushing to get into it. I thought i saw that the train is going to Den Haag. So, i just board the train. Next thing i new, i almost got to Groningen which is the northest part of Holland and close to the Germany! I was supposed to head south! I menggelabah a little. But, managed to keep calm and just changed the train. But, the whole train ride home that was supposed to be only 1hr 30 minutes, ended up jadi close to 5 hours! Stress stress. Luckily i have papers to read and i brought my ipad along. So it wasnt that bad despite the long hours. That was why i ended up skipping the whole class on Tuesday. And, yesterday was a christmas tree lighting day in Delft. I was so looking forward to see it. But, was too tired to go to the centrum.

But, ok lah overall. I met wonderful people. And they are so helpful. They really made me feel more confident about my research. Alhamdulillah...

So, tomorrow my faculty is going to have a Christmas lunch. I'm not looking forward to the foods. But, our section band will be playing at the party. So, it will be nice just to chill with friends and relax after the whole ordeal of the last 3 days.

And..

Thank you, you! You really made me feel good :)

Oh, yes! It's going to snow on Friday!!! At least according to the weather forecast. I can't wait for the first snow of this winter!!!!!

Ps. I will wait for you on the first snow.

i love love love

2011-12-12T23:46:00.001+01:00

once upon a time!

a lot.

love all the characters.

and the story.

Ginnifer Goodwin is so cute! love her hair.

and Charming is of course charming. *cair*

just watched the 7th episode.

and the huntsman is dead? i don't know.

hope not.

can't wait for the next episode.

but heard that the series is taking a break :(

but, it's okay.

i can wait :)

I never had

2011-12-09T01:04:00.001+01:00

a schedule. Ok, that's a lie.

But seriously, i never had a schedule that works.

Obviously it won't if i never follow that schedule.

I think i should seriously plan my time.

Doing PhD is totally different than my undergrad years.

We don't really have a specific plan.

I mean, you obviously have a plan.

But, most of the time you're in this silo, working endlessly.

You don't really know what you're doing. At least, i don't.

It seems that i live my life on repeat everyday with no specific purpose.

Other than being this walking zombie.

Go to school. Read. Write. Eat. Read. Write. Go home. Eat. Read. Write. Poop a little. Sleep.

Ok. I need a plan.

And the plan is to have a schedule.

I need a schedule to plan.

So, i will plan a schedule.

Or, i will schedule a plan.

Whichever comes first.

Or works.

Whatever.

You know what i will put in my daily schedule?

Dutch self-study for 2 hours everyday.

I swear i will be fluent in Dutch in 3 months.

Ok, that is a bit too optimistic.

I'd say, i will understand Dutch and can live by simple sentences.

That is more realistic.

Ok. I'm off to planning my schedule or scheduling my plan.

But first, i plan to sleep.

Oh, yes! Onto another serious note.

I think i'm fat! I seriously am.
I weight almost 59kg! *cries*
Ok, actually it is 58.7kg.
And being 300gram lighter than 59 doesn't mean anything.
It is only 50gram more than the cashew nuts i bought at the Den Haag Grote Markt.
And that bag of nuts weights nothing.
When i went home last July i was 53.
Now, i'm closer to 60 than 50!
I need to watch what i eat from now on.

Ok, i plan to lose weight.

That's perfect timing.

Now that i plan to have a schedule, I can schedule weight loss plan.

The only thing i should do is to plan to follow that schedule, and schedule to follow that plan.

Perfect! Now i have a plan.

I will schedule later.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I miss Malaysia.

2011-12-04T04:56:00.001+01:00

I truly am.

I regret not knowing my country better.

I miss the life, the people, the foods.. Everything.

There's no other place like home. No way.

It's true, you'll know what you're missing when you no longer have it.

Living abroad is nice and everything, but it's not the same.

Even though life here is way better than home, but a lot are missing...

Memang, hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri..

Lebih baik negeri sendiri..

Big time!

Malaysia, aku cinta kamu!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

look what i got

2011-12-03T04:13:00.001+01:00

today! ok, yesterday actually.

meet my very own totally legal Private Dancer and the one that got all the right edges and curves at the right places, Prime Cut! Optimus Prime would be jealous of u, man!

now I have 3 Crumpler bags. love them all!

i bought the King Single before I came to Holland. asked the nice guys at Crumpler KLCC if they have it in stock. went there straight away, no time wasted. i think it was the last one they had in stock. I was looking for a good & durable backpack because I normally carry a lot of things in mine. my old backpack last a few years before the inner linings at the bottom ripped. love the backpack, but i had to replace it.

after i searched high & low just about every place that the internet could take me, i decided that i must have a Crumpler. at first i wanted a Nike because my brother used Nike, and I really like the bag. But, I couldn't find the bag anywhere. so I settled for a Crumpler. okay, i must admit that the crazy names of their bags got my attention. the designs are great too. and, the warranty? 30 years! for all you know, the bag could outlived you. well, as they say, the bag & u is not just a fling. definitely not a one night stand. no no! it's a 'til death do us part' kind of bonding. if you're not ready for that kind of commitment, you can send them back home. no dramas.

I'm happy with my King Single. it has a lot of compartments, padded well, take good care of my laptop, feels very sturdy and doesn't hurt my back. going for a trip for a week and want to travel light? no worries. shove everything into the backpack. and I can still bring my 15'' laptop along. it rains a lot here and i don't like to use an umbrella when I cycle. so, my backpack always got wet. drenched. but, don't judge the cold backpack by the dripping water. rain or shine, it's a trusty guardian. the only problem is that, the King Single weights almost 3kg on its own. i weighted the backpack before I came here because I wanted to put in the check-in luggage. it becomes quite heavy if you put quite a lot of books in it as I always did. because I use the backpack for school every day, i need a lighter bag. so that i can carry more! hehe!

i know after using the King Single that i will compare every bag to the Crumpler. so, i looked no further. ok, i did look at other backpacks. but, once you go crumpler, you never go to the other camp. so, i browsed its website for quite some time. was thinking of buying the free wheeler. went to their outlet in Den Haag, it was no longer there! so, it was a welcome relief because maybe it means that i don't need a new backpack. still, i kept checking the website just to drool over the bags. then after a few weeks there it was, the Prime Cut looking so cool & so slim taunting me on the website. so, i went to the other store in Rotterdam after a meeting with my supervisor in Breda. it was on 11/11/11. the special date. when I went to the store, the guys there told me that they don't have the Prime Cut at the store. they said they know that the Prime Cut exist, but don't know when it will be in since it is a new collection. but, said that they can order it for me. so, i said fine because i don't want to buy the bag online because i want to look at the size first. they said i can call after 2/3 weeks. so i called, and they told me they dont have it still. i was a bit impatient, so i ordered the bag online after the call. and, after a week, here it is! i'm so happy that the bag turns out to be very nice.

and how does Private Dancer fits in the story? well, let's just say that I couldn't resist the temptation. the bag is so nice! comes in S, M & L. mine is M. and there's a note on the bag. it's so cool!

now i can do this with my Private Dancer! hahah!

the King Single will remain the King of my Crumplerdom. it will get to travel to so many nice places with me, except school. hehe!

when i first brought the bag home.

i am such a douche! for writing all this brainless stuffs. ha!

but, who cares? i don't.

i have to say this

2011-11-10T16:16:00.002+01:00

i can't wait for Breaking Dawn!!

the last book of the Twilight saga is my favorite!

can't wait to see how it turns out in the movie :)

i think i wrote about the saga once *looking at old post*

ABN AMRO

2011-10-15T22:51:00.001+02:00

has this internet banking service called Financial Diary.

i almost shit in my pants when I saw mine.

i used debit card most of the time here.

so, every single cent I spent is in the diary.

the diary is too detailed with interactive charts of my spending (in various categories) and everything.

i still cannot believe how much money i spent since i got here.

i swear I will be more careful with my spending.

and my savings.

*sigh*

picture here

Subhanallah...

2011-10-13T22:34:00.001+02:00

the moon is so bright tonight, I can even see stars from my windows! subhanallah... it is so pretty! wish I could go outside, and take a picture. but it's 8'c now, too cold.

yes, I am back in Delft. It feels good to be back, partly because I kinda missed the town and maybe because I took a longggggggg holiday from school so I was worried that I missed a lot (and behind schedule.. gasp!)

this week was a bit tiring. i started school on monday, it was fine. then I had friends staying over till this morning. so, i had to take them around town. we went to Den Haag, Rotterdam & Amsterdam. did a lot of walking. so i skipped school today, was too tired.

hopefully i can get back into my routine ASAP. hope everything will run smoothly for my studies and my life. i sort of feel like this time around, i started off pretty well...last year was hard and I don't want to go back to that trap again, insyaallah. oh yes! i'm in my 2nd year now! time flies so fast!

well, I pray that Allah will make things easier for me this year.. amin, insyaallah...

ok,

2011-07-23T01:26:00.000+02:00

this is lame. but i watched a 3d movie for the first time today! hehe. Transformers 3. it was awesome. but the thing is, i didn't even know that the movie is already out. i am definitely a hermit in the making (sigh)

and this morning was a total disaster. i had a meeting with a professor, who is also a VP of Shell. the meeting was at 10, and i woke up pretty early. hit the snooze button couple of times. then the next thing i knew, it was already 9.30! i practically jumped out of my bed. and luckily i had a lot of practice in school for always running for the bell. managed to get ready in less than 15 minutes. but the problem was, i didn't know his room. so i went to the 3ME faculty, was told that his office is in the process engineering building, which i had to walk to since i was so stupid that i left my bike too far away from the 3ME. i got to the building 5 minutes before 10. then i got loss in it looking for the room. managed to get to the secretary room who walked me to it. ended up being 2 or 3 minutes late for the meeting. but the meeting went well, alhamdulillah.. talked about my research, and how to go about approaching Shell and all. So yes, despite a little hiccup in the morning, the rest of the day was fine.

except, i got an unexpected visitor today! arghh! malas nak cerita. my plan for the weekend is ruined! :'(

i was

2011-07-20T01:19:00.005+02:00

starving after watching too many Siti Nurhaliza + Anuar Zain + Faizal Tahir videos on youtube.

so, right after solat isya' (isya' here is after midnight), I cooked some nasi and goreng lauk semua.

and I made this,

i had 2 jars of vanilla cookies + some butter + milk + chocolate.

thought why not make something? for lack of better things to do while waiting for subuh. hehe.

it tastes great, a bit too sweet maybe sebab the biskut itself dah manis.

but still...

and this afternoon, the books I ordered last week were delivered! yeay!

it has been a while since I bought some books, last April I think.

after that I ran out of books to read, but was too busy to read for leisure anyway. so, have been putting off buying books for a while.

now that I'm done with my review, then I can read as much story books I want.

bought 8 books altogether! hope to finish them before going home next week.

happy.

I spent

2011-07-17T23:38:00.004+02:00

a whole afternoon watching Siti Nurhaliza videos on youtube!

yes! i love Siti Nurhaliza! and Anuar Zain. and Faizal Tahir.

Those are my favorite Malaysian singers.

tak tahu macam mana boleh start tengok. oh ya! tadi mula-mula nak cari resepi sup kentang dan tomato. ha! tapi, macam-mana boleh teryoutube tak tahu. tengok video Faizal Tahir and Anuar Zain laa sekali..

baju tak berlipat. nasik tak masak. rumah tak kemas. lantai tak sapu. anak-anak and suami terbiar. oh! nasib belum ada anak & suami. kalau tak sure hari ni diorang semua kebulur. or maybe dah bergaduh baling pinggan mangkuk semua. hehe.

dulu tak minat pun Siti Nurhaliza. but, since uni days kot mula minat.

suara sedap!

Still remember watching her on Bintang RTM with my mom. When she won I was like... "tak sedap pun dia nyanyi, mesti menang sebab muka cantik.." masa tu ingat ada seorang contestant lelaki tu yang menang. tak puas hati. ha ha.

heee... entry yang tetiba!

tapi, suka sangat Siti time ni. sweet!

sesungguhnya entry ini sangat random.

karimah!

tetiba rasa lapar sebab sepanjang hari tak makan -__-"

3 years, 2 months & 1 week

2011-07-16T22:49:00.001+02:00

exactly the time left for me to stay in school!

according to the plan, at least.

insyaallah..

but, hopefully, I can finish before that.

amin amin amin, ya Allah..

the weather

2011-07-15T20:10:00.006+02:00

was perfect today! i'm so happy.

we went to the centrum in the afternoon for a late lunch.

and people watching. hehe.

my favorite tuna melt with cheddar cheese bagel

the weather was so perfect, even the monitor boy was out!

people enjoying the sun

till next updates!

It's raining

2011-07-14T22:07:00.003+02:00

heavily now. Strong wind, too. Since last night actually. Well, I love when it's raining.

I was seriously thinking of not going to school today, not so much because of the rain but of the strong wind. It's hard to cycle. But, I had an appointment with a professor who could help me get into Shell. So, I put on my raincoat and boots and brave the heavy rain to school. The last time I wore those were in February, I think. The meeting went well, alhamdulillah... That was the last appointment I had this month. Glad everything is settled now because I can't wait to go back. Still, I think I have to meet few people before going home (supervisor suruh! Huuuu T__T ) Let's pray they are all on holiday so that I won't feel that guilty for not being able to talk to them. Heee..

After school, a friend and I went to the centrum to eat at Bagels & Beans. My favorite cafe! By the time we reached the centrum, my jeans were already dripping. And, the cafe was closed! Hah! We planned to eat there since yesterday. What a day! The centrum was almost deserted. We went to a Turkish cafe instead. The food was not that great, but still ok since I was starving. I can eat an elephant, I think.

Oh! Last monday was my 24th birthday! Ha! (wth?) I decided to age backwards since last year. No, I'm not in denial! And, it doesn't mean anything, the number. Just the fun of counting it. July is a special month for me. I share my birth month with my ayah and abang. I dreamt of my late brother yesterday. Woke up because ayah called asking about my flight. Being able to see my brother in my dreams is enough for me. I'm very happy. He was the only brother I had and he never missed my birthday. So, at times like this it's hard not to be a bit sad. I dream about him a lot lately. Maybe he wants to remind me that I seem to forget him in my prayers. Now that I think about it, it's true that I pray less for him these past few months. And recite less Quran too... I hope he's happy wherever he is now. I can still remember his face clearly when I saw him for the last time. He was so peaceful, subhanallah... He's in a better place now. I pray that all of us will meet again in jannah. Amin, insyaallah... Happy birthday to my dear ayah and abang... May Allah bless you both always, amin...

And, thanks to everyone who remember my birthday. Thank you for the messages and kind wishes. People are asking what happened to my Facebook. I've deactivated my account last May. Logged in a few times since for a few days. But, never felt the same since. Is contemplating of deleting it permanently. The only thing I miss about Facebook is my friends updates. I think I missed on a lot of things already. Oh well, we managed to get by without Facebook before right? Shouldn't be a big deal.

Will write about Portugal and the potluck I had with my friends last weekend in the next entry, insyaallah..

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I am officially a

2011-07-08T11:25:00.004+02:00

PROMOVENDUS!

well, I am, since last September.

but I was a bit careful not to be over-confident that my position is guaranteed until the project review.

anything can happen, right?

but, I just had my go/no-go review this morning.

it went well! alhamdulillah..

so, at 8.40am, on Friday of 08.07.2011, I can confidently call myself a promovendus.

you couldn't possibly imagine how I felt this morning when I saw a big GO written by my promotor on the proposal cover.

and, the first thing he said was.. "well, this is it!" while showing me the GO.

i am so happy!

Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah....

now I can sleep well for the first time in 9 months!

happiness :)

of course, I didn't get my business card this morning.

now I appreciate it more (that's why I'm putting it here). hehe!

I'm so happy.

Alhamdulillah...

I had

2011-07-07T23:14:00.001+02:00

the best dinner today.

nasi panas + ikan goreng + budu = happiness

Zura gave me a bottle of budu few months ago.

nearly forgot that I have it.

happy :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I came back

2011-07-05T15:14:00.004+02:00

from Portugal at 2am on Monday morning.

Portugal is so pretty!

everything was great. the people, the food.

will definitely go there again if I have a chance.

will write about the trip in the next entry :)

it rained

2011-06-26T06:35:00.003+02:00

yesterday.

but i still went out since home started to feel suffocating.

went to Rotterdam.

ate nice lunch.

bought some foods to restock my empty fridge.

resisted the urge to shop.

summer sale! a mighty struggle.

need to save money for Portugal.

then, went home.

and... found this in my mailbox!

thanks Ajin!

my second postcard from her!

was supposed to meet Ajin at Schipol few weeks ago when she was enroute to KL.

but something came up, had to cancel on her :'(

hopefully we could meet up in KL.

or maybe during her next visit to Holland.

better still, I should visit her in the US.

that is when I'm rich enough. hehe!

happy day.

:)

ok, fine

2011-06-25T00:40:00.002+02:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I booked

2011-06-23T22:16:00.002+02:00

the ticket to go home this morning!

so happy!

going back home on 28.7, insyaallah.

returning back to Delft exactly a year since I got here, 21.9 insyaallah.

:)

but, I'm pissed off with MAS online booking system.

long story. malas nak cerita.

i'm going home!

hah! can't wait!!!

it used

2011-06-22T23:33:00.002+02:00

to be funny when I read the Piled Higher & Deeper comics.

that was long before I started going back to grad school.

now I'm in.

everything is spot on.

so true.

couldn't help not to cry and laugh at the same time.

this strip sums up my week.

about to push the reset button in a few days.

*cries*

you know what

2011-06-21T15:27:00.009+02:00

a postgrad student (at least I am) afraid most (among a-long-list-of-others)?

checking school email.

dreading finding among all those emails - of latest journal articles (more papers to read *cries*), conference news (pressure to write), newsletters of updates in the field (mostly unrelated junks), and usually boring administrative news about budget cuts etc. (miraculously, none is about brain enlargement drugs, or cure for procrastination, or horny hot single postgrad geeks looking for whatever, or winning research grants you didn't apply spam!),- one (or few consecutive emails) from the supervisors.

subject: progress?

or,

the first few words are: have you..?

or,

among straight-to-the-point words: send it by today.

or,

finding a list of things to do.

and the deadline is tomorrow.

A long

2011-06-20T19:35:00.001+02:00

day.

school and a meeting.

international visibility. whatever.

and I didn't get to eat pizza :(

*
stupid.

useless.

I want

2011-06-19T06:47:00.000+02:00

to be a goldfish for a day.

don't you know that the goldfish has 2 seconds memory?

i'm not sure if it's true.

but it must be fun to be a goldfish.

:)

i am praying

2011-06-17T13:52:00.006+02:00

that my supervisor won't come in today.

we have an appointment at 1400.

8 minutes to go. (praying hard)

updates:

damn! she's coming in 15 minutes.

she just called (in the train!)

dam dam dum!

further updates:

meeting went well (yeay! alhamdulillah)

i always feel like i'm going to receive a life sentence before a meeting.

but, often the meetings were not that scary.

maybe the guilt of slacking off or napping a whole day while my supervisor and promotor were not in the office got to me.

the guilt.

Ps. in love with Gabe Bondoc's voice playing now! (hati meleleh)

Pps. nice weekend everyone! :)

i was

2011-06-16T22:17:00.004+02:00

wondering what to write today. i couldn't think of any. my mind is too full of school at the moment, no space for anything else. i'm worried about the go/no-go review i'm having next week. then, there's a conference in Portugal i'm attending the week after next. my proposal is still like a piece of junk. the storyline for my presentation at the conference is still sketchy.

i'm trying to finish up the presentation tonight. but, i'm a hardcore procrastinator. so as usual, i will find myself browsing the internet for nothing. or checking the fridge just to check what i have inside. or making my bed. watching youtube. or deleting songs from my playlist. or making a cup of hot chocolate. or blogging! argghhhh!! why bad habit is sooooo hard to die? and developing one is so easy?

just now, I was trying to find a picture about PhD for my slide. so, i typed the word on google. then it brought me to a website. then, to another one. and then, another one. and after too many pages, and too much time wasted, I finally ended up on youtube. i came to a video about procrastination. which prompted me to write this entry. and I still don't have the PhD picture! this is exactly what procrastination is.

i always noticed this one thing about me. when i lack confidence in something, i will avoid doing it. when i don't understand it, i will not do it. instead of trying to understand a problem, i will run away from it. like my mind trying to find ways not to deal with the one thing i should be dealing. and, i'm always scared of something i cannot picture. like for example, the conference. i don't know exactly what the reviewers think about my paper. it was accepted as it is. no correction. the only comment i received was "it is an interesting article". i want real comment! what i did wrong? things i should improve? papers i should refer?? not even a comment on my grammar? trust me, my paper is not that good. my supervisors had loads of comments. so, right now i'm scared of going to the conference. it will be the first conference where i'm going to present a paper. it's nerve-wracking. yet, i don't know what to expect there. the kind of comments or questions i will receive. i am so scared rasa nak muntah.

procrastination. a lot of people have this problem. it's tiring sometime. frustrating. at times can be quite destructive. for me, the cause is self-confidence. and sometime, perfectionism. i wait for the perfect time. for the perfect mood. the perfect song to start. wait for the perfect idea. perfect amount of light. bla bla bloody bla. but be real, there's no such thing as perfection. those are just excuses. everything is flawed. even the thought that we can't beat procrastination is flawed. but then, everyone knows that. the only problem is the lack of will and confidence. that we are (at least, I am) scared. scared of the unknown. scared of something I can't control.

John Kelly says, procrastination:

is trying to avoid the inevitable
is writing lists
is not being able to decide what way to do something
is over-complicating things for yourself
is being afraid to finish something
is not knowing when to finish something
is not knowing how to finish something....

yes, i am scared of not knowing. being able to control things give me confidence. set the drive for actions. but knowing nothing or little almost always create the excuse for avoidance. i can't picture the finish line.

so, i continue to procrastinate....

oh yes! another thing.

scared of failure. but not knowing how to deal with it. i picture failure as something hanged above my door waiting to strike me every time i open it. it is there, just waiting for me. everyone is scared of failure. nobody wants to fail! i'm trying so hard to be positive, but these thoughts are always there. (sigh)

so what to do? procrastinate more?

I am

2011-06-14T23:25:00.003+02:00

scared of sleeping.

Not because of nightmares, but of not waking up.

And not about dying in my sleep (nauzubillah...)

But of not getting up on time to go to school.

picture from here

Lepas tengok

2011-06-13T08:05:00.002+02:00

cerita City Hunter, rasa nak...

1. Pakai iPhone
2. Drive kereta Hyundai Veloster
3. Belajar judo sampai dapat black belt
4. Jadi bodyguard president
5. Dapat PhD umur 28 tahun
6. Hack website government
7. Duduk rumah flat kat luar macam nak runtuh tapi kat dalam comel
8. Belajar menjahit
9. Makan mee terus dari periuk
10. Ada rambut panjang
11. Jadi spy
12. Ada dinding ukur tinggi
13. Ada daddy long legs
14. Buat kerja sambilan
15. Belajar buat kimchi
16. Involve in misi sulit kerajaan

Hehe!

Oh! Hari ni public holiday. Cuti lagi! Weeehuuuuu!

Just got back

2011-06-13T00:12:00.000+02:00

from a dinner at a friend's. she's Turkish. she cooked pretty nice dishes. but i'm still hungry. these people eat like sejemput!! i eat setimbun! so malu one to eat banyak at others' place. hehe!

so i'm frying a piece of chicken now. still have some rice from yesterday (err.. was it from 2 days ago?) hehe! cant remember. definitely not from yesterday.

ok, nak solat isya', then makang! :)

I feel

2011-06-10T01:19:00.005+02:00

so tired today. My head feels like exploding. Maybe because the lack of sleep. I'm almost done with my proposal. At least the hardest part of the proposal is done. I just need to refine it a bit. The first few drafts are always full of craps anyway. So maybe I have to discard half of what I wrote. Everything is too dense now. I almost dread reading what I've written.

I was supposed to have a meeting with an expert in biofuels today. But the meeting was cancelled because it clashed with another meeting with my promotor and supervisor. I'm glad it was cancelled because I'm not prepared for the meeting since I was spending much of my time writing the proposal.

And I'm glad that I didn't have to attend the meeting since I got to go to a colleague's PhD defense. I think that was the best defense that I've been to so far. The defense was so tough, yet very entertaining! (entertaining? that's an odd word to describe a PhD defense) That guy is so brilliant (and good looking!) to a fault that I almost question God why some people got to have everything. Ok, I kid. But still why he is so smart?? And so handsome, pls! and I think he's of the same age as me! He was offered an assistant professorship even before he finish writing his thesis up! Everyone was saying that he's going to get a cum laude. Mind you, only few people get cum laude here. They are so rare you'll think that they are nonexistent. I didn't stay to watch the doctoral award ceremony after the defense because I have a meeting with my promotor. But I think he did, looking at how every member of his doctoral committee was praising his thesis and the way he defended his thesis and ideas. His thesis is on aircraft annoyance, by the way. Even though some of the professors asked very tough questions even tried to impose their ideas and theories on him, he managed to answer them brilliantly. He was so quick and so sharp, and so funny at times. And the way he answered every question was like.. man, can you not be that perfect? And that was also the first defense that I attended where a professor went so far as bringing with him two placards of his interpretation of two of the thesis propositions to challenge them. And a professor even said that he had so many questions to ask, it's impossible to ask them all, so he will only ask about something that people normally won't ask because others might think they didn't read the thesis. He asked about a footnote! Well again, it was not just any footnotes. And not an easy question either. It was about fatalism theory, the professor's inaugural talk was on the theory, I heard. What the hell is fatalism theory, you asked. How the hell should i know, I'd say. I heard it for the first time too. I could talk about the defense on and on without stopping, I think. I was so in awe with him, that when I took a quick nap after solat at home, I dreamt of his defense. Like my mind was trying to replay it again. Which i think is a bit too much because now I have this idea in my head.. I want to get a cum laude too! I will, insyaallah.. I heard that he already set his target of getting cum laude since he started, even asked his promotor what he should do to get it. Now, that is one driven man. I kinda expected his defense will be very good. He annoys me sometime the way he likes to question you and push you, and how quick he is with his words.

Anyway, I didn't go to his party to celebrate the defense because I'm too tired. And it started a bit late, at 8.30pm. I think that was the first party I missed. I'm too tired and too sleepy to carry a conversation anyway. I went straight home at almost 5.30 after meeting my promotor, solat zuhur a bit too late, then tidur. Woke up just in time not to miss my asr prayer.

After today's events, and after a hell of time i had this past few months, I think I have to change. I have to retrace my steps back of how I've been dealing with my studies. It is not healthy. I started this on a wrong foot, I think. I was too comfortable, so confident that nothing is going to go wrong. Almost cocky even. You see I came here knowing that I had everything figured out. I know my topic, and I know exactly how I'm going to do it. When I was in the process of securing a position here, I had few interviews with my then prospective supervisor and promotor. We discussed about my proposal, and my promotor said that he likes it, thought it's very good and maybe too good. I was so happy that time because you couldn't imagine what I had to go through and do to get to that point. That was when I think everything started to go wrong. Of course I didn't realize it, until it's too late. I've been slacking off, doing everything halfway, sometimes doing nothing at all, ignoring my works, being irresponsible, dishonest. Blaming everyone and everything around me. I'm a disgrace to myself and to all people who trust and believe in me! I hate myself! I almost reached my breaking point yesterday. It was so hard. I wish I could die and forget everything. I thought it would be good to just die. Because at least I don't have to worry. And, sometime I think it is useless to say my du'a after solat because Allah won't listen to my prayers. That bad. Astaghfirullah... I know,.. but don't judge me. You have to be in my position to understand.

Now when I got to reflect on all this, I feel so blessed. Allah is listening to me. He's so near. He won't put this upon me if I'm not able to deal with it. At least now I know my mistakes. I just hope I've learnt my lessons, and change for the better. Insyaallah...

dah subuh

2011-06-04T03:11:00.000+02:00

alhamdulillah, kenyang (burp!)

Alhamdulillah

2011-06-03T22:58:00.002+02:00

baru habis berbuka. by pukul 8pm, perut dah mula berdondang-sayang. kepala dah pusing. berbuka makan maggi je sebab maggi lagi 4 hari nak tamat tempoh. hehe! nanti sahur baru nak makan nasi, insyaalah. lagipun, waktu berbuka selalunya perut macam cepat kenyang. so, maggi pun dah ok sebab letak banyaaakkkk sayur. tapi, sebenarnya sebab malas masak nasi and lauk. hehe!

heee... takde benda nak tulis.

oh ya! tahukah anda apakah persamaan saya + Ashton Kutcher + Eminem + Vladimir Putin?

kami semua memakai jam on our right wrists!

terasa berada di dalam golongan orang2 yang (ahemm) cool! :P

This is

2011-06-02T19:37:00.007+02:00

the small town i call home now.

i love how lively, but at the same time quiet this town is. even though delft is just about 15 minutes away from the Rotterdam, which has the biggest port in the Europe, and 10 minutes from The Haque, Delft is fairly detached from the hustle and bustle of city life. about 40 minutes from Amsterdam, by the way. it is very laid-back. which i found very comforting. i never felt comfortable living in a big city. it is okay if it's for occasional visit, but not actually live in one. i will prefer a small town ten times over a city. and luckily, i always end up in one, except of course for the amazing 5 years of high school in KL.

now that summer is here, I finally experienced the full circle of the season. i wish spring won't end, and as much as i love winter, i wish it would come and go as quickly as it can. i love spring. it is so magical, subhanallah... seeing everything comes to life again after seemingly long, gray and lifeless days. i always sat near my window just to look at the trees outside. where there were only bare twigs and branches few months ago, now are so green. i can still remember the feelings when i first saw small buds sprouting on them. and then the flowers came. i was so happy. spring to me feels like a re-birth. full of hope and optimism. summer makes you feel like doing nothing, but sitting outside with a nice book & a cup of hot chocolate, without any caring in the world. it carries with it the mood set by spring. when autumn comes, everything seems to become slower. but, autumn in all its glorious colors, feels romantic and sad at the same time. and then come winter, days become shorter, and nights feel so long as if they would never end. the sun is a luxury in this time. and you almost dread going out or waking up. but i love it when it snow. so pretty... and sometimes it feels so long before you can have it again.

if i were to choose between the seasons as my favorite, i could never pick one. i love them all the same. it reminds me of the circle of life. the sun will always rise no matter what (insyaallah). the ups & downs are just part of the list. as long as we keep moving forward, we'll realize that those are the things that make us feel alive. we are feeling and living. if we lost hope in today, there are still promises and hopes in tomorrow, insyaallah...

anyway, today is a national holiday in the Netherlands. something about Jesus ascension to heaven. and tomorrow is going to be a holiday too. tomorrow is also the beginning of Rejab. means, Ramadhan is almost here!!! i'm planning to fast, insyaallah... subuh is at 3.09am and maghrib pukul 9.54pm (faints!) but it really is not a problem for me sebab when i concentrate on doing my work, i don't feel that hungry, insyaallah.

so, selamat menyambut Rejab to muslims who read this... selamat beramal :)

sebelum tu, sepotong doa yang diriwayatkan oleh Anas r.a daripada Rasulullah SAW untuk semua:

"Ya Allah, berkatilah kami pada bulan Rejab dan Syaaban, serta panjangkanlah umur kami hingga ke bulan Ramadhan..."

amin, insyaallah...

Just finished

2011-06-01T01:07:00.001+02:00

making this.

midnight.

definitely stress.

i'm in love

2011-05-31T02:16:00.003+02:00

with the song playing on my blog now. it has been on repeat when i'm home and at school for three days already. i discovered the lyrics on a blog i accidentally came across to, thought it's so beautiful and sad at the same time. my heart went totally cair when i listened to the song. and the voice! the singer is Alex from Clazziquai. I knew Clazziquai from watching too much Korean drama. i like their songs. a mix of jazz, pop, blues. but didn't know that its members have their own separate album too. i downloaded Alex album - My Vintage Romance. the name itself is so romantic! i am a hopelessly pathetic romantic soul. can't do anything about it. the song made me want to fall in love! i felt like floating yesterday and was smiling to myself while riding my bike to school. people must have thought i'm crazy. now, not everyday i go to school smiling, and it was Monday! school is just like 5 minutes by bike. I almost make a detour so that i could listen to it more. almost didn't notice that i was pedaling my bike. felt like it moved on its own. i soooo love the song! and the album! even thinking of buying the CD! (so 90s!)

here's the lyrics of my current favorite song! :)

Alex - If it's you (그대라면)

I have always seen you crying
The moment I first saw you, I knew
If it’s you, if it’s you by my side
If it’s you, if we’re together
It could be forever

You, I would smile for you
You, I would cry for you
If just once in my life, just once
I would love, it would be you

I have seen you lonely
The first time I saw your tears, it had hurt so much
If it’s me, if it’s me by your side
If it’s me, if we’re together
We could be happy

You, I would live for you
You, I would walk beside you
If just once in my life, just once
I would love, it would surely be you

I will become a deeply rooted tree
that will block everything
When the wind blows
you won’t need to support
the brilliant flowers on my branch
forever

You, I would love no one but you
You, I would live for you
If just once in my life, just once
I would love, it would definitely be you

You, just once in my life, just once
I would love you

Another

2011-05-29T19:48:00.004+02:00

weekend is almost over. i love the weather today. unlike yesterday which was so gray, today is perfect! moderate amount of sun, a bit cold & windy. the wind can be very nasty in Delft. there are some videos on youtube on wind storm in Delft. one of it, here, was captured by EWI student in the campus. quite scary. i hate it when the wind is too strong especially when i'm riding my bike uphill. uphill here in Holland almost always mean when you're going up a bridge. hehe! Holland is so flat. they only have one hill, which is in Limburg. they say it's not even a hill, just a pile of land. i'm not sure myself.

anyway, i blog almost every day nowadays. two or three posts in a month was quite an achievement for me before. but i think i will be blogging regularly from now on. just a quick update on whatever that crosses my mind. lagipun, i deactivated my facebook account. hopefully for good. facebook is not fun anymore. and vain! so, my blog is the only thing i have besides 43Things. and it's for anyone who cares to read about what is going on in my life. i know a few people read my blog (i miss u, babes!) and, at least with a blog, i can read it again in the future, unlike facebook.

school is going pretty fine (i'd like to believe that). but... the truth is, i'm in denial. school is not fine. i've been slacking for a while now. i'm scared. suffering a serious bout of self-doubt. confidence level is at all time low. zilch. nada. zero believe in myself, and what i can really do. every time i try to read or write, i will start questioning myself. questioning why i'm doing this. why i'm here. i feel stupid. being among those smart people and feeling so small, doesn't really help my self-esteem. i feel so small here. well, i'm the 2nd smallest in my section, anyway. but, that's not the point. i am seriously in trouble. i know how far i can go, i can picture it. but gathering enough will and positive energy to do what matters is pretty difficult at times.

but then again, nothing is possible if nothing is done.

so, come on, Kaem!

chaiyokkkk!!

fighting!

picture from a fighter

it is

2011-05-28T20:02:00.002+02:00

easy to be lost in time when the weather is like this.

at times, you could lose yourself too.

u couldn't really help it.

couldn't help not to wallow in it.

maybe because you read too many Jane Austen (?)

and wondered why you haven't found that one person yet.

or, maybe you are just....

hungry.

I am

2011-05-27T18:41:00.000+02:00

happy you're not happy.

that you regret it already.

i am ~~evil~~ mean.

i know.

but i know you're not serious.

i too am not serious.

i kid.

i hope you are happy.

Ps. don't look at me like that.

Have

2011-05-26T12:22:00.001+02:00

to think about completing this sentence.

The academic year is coming to a close and summer ___________________. 

unnecessary, really.

but why not?

just a few words, anyway.

still, I feel like writing my thesis already.

My

2011-05-25T20:40:00.001+02:00

doctor said I'm as healthy as a horse.

so I went home and ate whole load of fat!

smile

2011-05-23T18:39:00.002+02:00

Be

2011-05-23T15:38:00.006+02:00

like bamboo.

look weak, yet very strong.

hard, but gentle.

bend, but don't break.

flexible, yet firmly rooted.

always ready.

always spring back from adversity.

simple.

and...

humble.

Ps. just watched a talk by Garr Reynolds on lessons from the bamboo from TEDxTokyo 2011

I'm

2011-05-22T15:24:00.004+02:00

attending a webinar in 40 minutes!

so excited!!!

my first :)

updates:

it has ended.

a very useful talk by James Hayton of 3MonthsThesis on writing literature review.

will definitely join another one if the topic is interesting.

plus, I could sit in front of my laptop with a cup of hot tea and eating my favorite ice-cream while listening to the talk!

a good Sunday :)

My

2011-05-21T11:25:00.000+02:00

heart goes to the orphans who were buried alive at Hulu Langat landslide.

I hope there'll be survivors.

Al-fatihah...

A

2011-05-20T12:28:00.001+02:00

friend got married today.

it was a beautiful wedding.

When

2011-05-19T12:24:00.001+02:00

I was in Paris, I found out that I lost a niece...

Few months ago I wrote that I had a dream where my tooth fell off and I was afraid that one of my family members will leave me.

It wasn't just a dream.

Exactly 70 days later, my little niece went away forever...

I didn't get to see her.

We never met.

I hope we get to meet again soon...

and I hope Allah will give my sister and brother the strength to go through this.

al-Fatihah to Nur Shuhada Fatihah, she was 7 minutes old...

I

2011-05-18T23:27:00.000+02:00

went to Paris!

but, bad things happened to Erin's parents :(

despite everything, I will definitely be going back.

The Seine River.

The tower itself. tall and proud.

I once wrote here of my dreams.

to visit Paris and see Eiffel Tower and Seine River is one of it.

when I go to somewhere new, I like to see the places, architecture.. and try their foods.

I didn't get to do that.

but it's okay.

Insyaallah I'll go to Paris again with K. Amilia.

we have the same dreams.

I am

2011-05-17T23:54:00.005+02:00

broke!

went to Roermond with Erin and her parents.

I'm seriously broke.

i've been spending my money like it grows on tree.

and I'm going to Portugal next month.

Don't have that much money left. >__<

just asked mom for some to buy tickets for balik puasa/raya.

feel bad.

but I want to go home....

butt ugly. but i look happy here. so nvm.

Guess

2011-05-16T23:12:00.001+02:00

who is here?

i'm so happy! :D

This

2011-05-15T23:57:00.003+02:00

is Iman.

I love her!

she's so adorable. and comot.

we had a potluck lunch today.

I made sushi :)

Can

2011-05-14T19:48:00.001+02:00

you believe it?

I fixed the light fixture myself! including the wiring!

Almost give myself a big pat on the back. haha!

What?

2011-05-13T20:59:00.002+02:00

cheap? a lesbian?

stop it, already!

I wish u hell!

oh, yes! my pink satin ballet shoes has arrived! yeay! going to pick it up tomorrow.. love love!

I am

2011-05-12T18:37:00.000+02:00

tired.

I want to eat red meat (?)

We

2011-05-11T19:58:00.000+02:00

TRAILers had a bbq today.

it was nice.

but I could only eat the salads.

forgot to tell them of my special needs. whatever.

it was at the sports & culture center.

the weather was great! met fellow TRAILers from other schools.

yeah. great!

i'm starving now.

This

2011-05-11T00:00:00.002+02:00

no longer my dream car.

this is.

only 33k, cheaper by almost 20k. (euro).

I

2011-05-10T18:35:00.000+02:00

wished for rain, I got it 3 times.

and,

fixed this jacket hanger myself. almost cried.

I am

2011-05-09T02:02:00.003+02:00

addicted to sleep and foods.

I need to be deprived of them for at least a week to feel normal again.

I wish

2011-05-08T17:11:00.004+02:00

it would rain today.

*pic not mine

mimpi

2011-03-19T21:36:00.000+01:00

Beberapa hari yang lepas mimpi gigi geraham atas sebelah kiri tercabut. Memang gigi tu sejak kebelakangan ni ada sedikit sakit sebab ada sekali tu makan daging or ayam (tak ingat) lepas tu melekat kat celah gigi geraham tu, maybe time gosok gigi kuat sangat jadi gusi kat area situ sakit. Mungkin sebab tu sampai mimpi gigi geraham tercabut... entahlah... tapi, selalu dengar kalau mimpi gigi tercabut ada saudara terdekat nak pergi jauh.. ini agak superstitious.. tapi, the last time I dream about one of my teeth falling out my brother left me.... :'(

Tak nak fikir banyak psal ni.. tapi selalu teringat. Jadi nak tulis pasal mimpi tu just as something that I want to remember..

Tapi, nauzubillah... I don't want any of my family members to leave me when I'm so far away from them :(

Ya Allah, peliharakanlah aku, kedua ibu bapaku dan ahli keluargaku.. ampunkanlah dosa-dosa kami.. berikanlah kesihatan yang baik kepada kami dan panjangkan umur kami... sekiranya Engkau mentakdirkan mati buat kami, matikan kami dalam iman.. lancarkanlah lidah kami untuk mengucap lailahaillallah, muhammad ya rasulallah di saat sakaratul maut menghampiri kami... matikanlah kami dalam khusnul khotimah.. berkatilah hidup kami di dunia dan di akhirat, wahai Tuhan yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang.. kasihanilah kami... amin..

today is the 15th day of 2011!

2011-01-16T02:49:00.002+01:00

First off, if you listen to the song on my blog now you'll notice that I put Justin Bieber's Baby on! I couldn't believe myself either.. I'm not a fan, obviously ok! I like the live version of this song. I don't really like his voice, but I love the back-up vocals! and the melody and the lyrics.. so simple & carefree! I must admit that I don't usually pay attention to lyrics much, unless it's a song that I really2 like.. but, don't you think it's hard not to sing along to this song, especially the chorus?

And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you'd always be mine, mine
Baby, baby, baby, oh
Like baby, baby, baby, no
Like baby, baby, baby, oh
I thought you'd always be mine, mine

so annoyingly cute right? hehe! Anyway, enough about Bieber!

I went to Rotterdam today to meet my supervisor, Marisa. We couldn't meet last Thursday because she had a doctor appointment. So, she suggested that we meet today so that she can show me around the city and talk about my research over coffee, and I said ok. Rotterdam is a very big city and it has Europe's largest port, Port of Rotterdam. So you can imagine how big the city is. Very pretty too! A heaven for shopping. Lots of shops! Lots of highstreet brands. The city is like 15 minutes from where I live. I've never been anywhere in Rotterdam except the main shopping streets and the market! hehe! So, today was a very nice day because we basically walked around the city for almost 3 hours! more than 3 hours I think... I saw lots of nice places and buildings. Lots of nice restaurants. I will definitely walk around the city again when the weather is ok.. everything is within walking distance anyway, if you're willing to walk laa.. if not you can always take the metro, or tram.. or even a taxi boat! I will definitely try the taxi boat in spring!! it was very windy today.. and cold! I forgot to bring my camera, and my phone's camera is not that good in low light. I took some pictures, though. And Marisa let me use her camera, so I have few pictures with her too.

Marisa was like my tourist guide today. hehe! She told me that the whole city was completely bombed down during the WWII and only few buildings survived that time. So, the architects of that time have to build everything quickly to revive the city. Even though it was in the 1940s, the architects were so brilliant in designing the city and the buildings in that what they built then were so advanced (in terms of the design and urban management), that now it survives the changing landscape of city life, and they blend well. In fact, a lot of other cities also modeled themselves around Rotterdam concept. I don't know much about urban management, but if you can see it for yourself, you'll know what I mean. The city is amazing considering that 60 years ago it was completely destroyed. I love Rotterdam more now, and luckily it is only minutes away.

Today was a good day. My discussion went well too! Alhamdulillah...

Btw, I'm moving to a new studio in two weeks! Can't wait to decorate my new home!! Going shopping for furniture tomorrow with my friend.. sooo looking forward to that! I'd like to paint the wall light blue, and all the furniture will be white. Can't waitttttttt! I'm moving to a very old building, built in 1910s that used to be the university's Physics lab. Hopefully, nobody did some crazy experiments there and got killed! A housing company bought the building few years ago I think, and renovated it. I'll be the first tenant of my room! and there's an old graveyard behind that building! *start imagining Edward Cullen* Nevermind, I'll play surah Yassin and al-Mulq on repeat 24/7! huhu!

Orite, need to sleep now! Before that, a picture of me and my supervisor. toodless! :)

the best in the world! :)

IXth day of MMXI!

2011-01-09T19:27:00.006+01:00

I so loveeee 2011! well.. at least, for the first 9 days...every day was amazing!! i'm blessed! alhamdulillah.. although there are few things that I wish were different, I'm still thankful nonetheless.. whether they are good or bad, there are two sides of everything.. I just have to look beyond what can be seen.. felt.. I'm sure everything happens for a reason (so cliche, I know).. just have to make the best of everything!

it started a few days before.. the last few days of 2010 were amazing too! alhamdulillah.. I'm glad that I went to school during the last week of 2010.. and I'm glad that I stopped lying to myself that I could actually work better at home! The last week was so quiet because most people went for holiday. I had nice lunch at AULA.. the only place that was opened that week. Finally got to talk to the person I wanted to talk most.. a really nice conversation, the one you keep thinking about it till few days later and wish you would ask and say some things differently if you have another chance... in fact, I spent the next day thinking about what I should have talked and asked!

What else? Oh! My supervisor came to the office before he went for his new year's holiday. I didn't expect he would be in. He came to my room and I was so surprised I almost jumped off my chair (only 3 people were in that day). We had a nice discussion. A very fruitful discussion, which I'm so thankful to Allah for knocking some sense in me to go to school that day! I was so lazy and stressed out the previous week, I practically been ignoring everything. Tried to think that I'm gonna be fine, when I know I wouldn't if I didn't wake up and move!! My supervisors are the best!! They are so kind, funny, helpful and brilliant to the max! They are so excited about my research than me, it's hard not to get affected by them. And it is hard to believe that they really are into what I'm doing because I am not even sure what will the outcome of my research be. Maybe they could see something which I don't. I have no idea, honestly. I'm so clueless! But I'm happy with the direction my research is taking now... hopefully I can keep the excitement and the drive going!! Just need to be positive. Someone said to me "Don't work yourself too hard" last Thursday. I'm over the moon for that! It made me want to work harder, I don't know why. hehe!

The new year's eve was crazy! It was like a war going on in Delft. People were crazy with fire crackers! At midnight I went to the rooftop of my apartment and I stood there for more than one hour! It was so pretty. You could see fireworks everywhere. I went to sleep at 4 that morning. There were still some fireworks sound in the distance that time. I wonder at what time they stopped. The next day I went to the centrum and saw bits of fire crackers every where.. and beer bottles too. It was crazy!

The first day of school of 2011, I went to school with so many wishes and renewed spirit. It felt good that day. First thing I did was went to my room and sat quietly there. Then, one by one people kept coming, shake hands & wishing for a good year ahead. I realized everyone was going rounds except me! So I went to few people, made conversations, laughed a bit, went back to my room. Then, Charles came in and said "give me a hug!".. errrr.. I didn't really know how to react to that..! The office felt very happy and joyous that day.Later that night, Amad (one of the PhD student here) bought us dinner at Umai (a japanese restaurant). All-you-can-eat dinner, best giler! Amad successfully defended his thesis that Monday morning. After the dinner, his supervisor made a speech. If I were Amad, I would definitely cry. The speech was so moving. I want my supervisors to feel that way about me too. I'll work hard to earn that, insyaallah.. a lot of people were there. Amad's colleagues and Malaysians. I went home almost 10pm that night and it was snowing! A beautiful day, alhamdulillah :)

The rest of the week went pretty fast. Some really good things and bad things happened. But, I wont think about the bad ones, will focus all my attention to be a better person mentally and physically. I am determined to stop thinking about little, insignificant, irrelevant, tiny things that will not give any good to me. I will stop complaining about things and how cruel life is because I cannot be like someone else or have what others have. I will try to think every day is a good day. That I live a nice life. And I have everything that a person could wish for. I don't need that iPhone or iPad, for example. Or I don't have to be rich to be happy. And I don't need to have all the things that people nowadays want to be seen with. I don't need a boyfriend! (errr... wait! I need a boyfriend.. it's one of my new year's resolutions.. to find love! hhehe!)

So, here's to a good and blessed year ahead! May 2011 will be nice to us all. And may our dreams for 2011 come true! xx

picture from tumblr, not mine :)

Happy 2011!!!

2010-12-31T18:48:00.001+01:00

Alhamdulillah... Allah has given me the chance to live until now, hopefully I will be able to see the new year sun tomorrow, insyaallah :) i'm thankful for so many great things that I had and couldn't have in 2010.. alhamdulillah.. alhamdulillah.. hopefully, 2011 will be a great year too!

I can't remember exactly what I did today in 2009.. i can remember end of 2008 very clearly though! thank god for this blog.. i can at least recall some.. hhehe!

well, happy new year! may Allah bless us all, amin.. insyaallah..

oh! btw, here is my new year resolutions! have so many.. hopefully i can at least get half of them done! insyaallah..

tangan beku!

2010-11-23T19:41:00.011+01:00

just got home from school. it was so cold, my hands went numb. forgot to bring my gloves this morning. and i wish i could cycle without steering the handlebars like apparently most dutch are so skillful at. i used to be able to do that when i was a kid. but not anymore.

anyway, hari raya Aidiladha was ok here... apart from the rendang yang ok laaa jugak and we took the wrong tram to the embassy, thus missed the solat sunat.. everything else was ok lah.. can't complaint much, right?

hari raya Aidiladha at The Hague..i love the city!! it's an old city and looks very pretty! most of the embassies are situated at the outskirt of the city, not much buildings here.. this is while waiting for a tram to get home :)

and, last saturday sinterklaas came to Delft. apparently (well, according to wikipedia), sinterklaas is the 'original' santa claus. btw, sinterklaas came to Holland by boat from Spain and he'll travel to the cities in Holland to spread christmas cheers, giving candies & biscuits to people waiting for him especially kids. i didn't get to see the sinterklaas because i have to go somewhere else. But i saw his boat from my room, when it cruised along the canal behind my house. a lot of people waiting for him along the canal ok!

a few kids dressed as Zwart Pete or Black Pete (sinterklaas assistants) this kids were so funny! they moved a lot, i snap a few pictures of them, none turned out good.. hehe! saw lots of kids dressed as Pete, but didn't take any pictures because was in a hurry..

this is near the centrum.. i love the tree! behind it is the New Church..

William of Orange (William I) was buried here.

a heart sculpture build in 1998/1989 by whom i forgot.. hehe! love it! near the Nieuw Kerk.

Delft is famous for its canals.. so there's a lot of it here. this one is in the city center.. people always come here to feed the ducks..

there's a farmer's market every Thursday & Saturday.. but not as big as the ones in Den Haag or Rotterdam.. so not much to see here! btw, the market is behind me.. i forgot to take pictures.. hehe!

andddd, introducing my workspace where I pretend to look smart everyday! hahah! no lah i kid! i shared the room with an assistant professor.. he's a very nice guy.. he drinks 10 cups of coffee on average per day! this people drink a lot!! i wonder how many times they go to the toilet..

ok lah, have to stop! will update more often, insyaallah..

salam

2010-11-15T00:04:00.002+01:00

Salam! :)

It's almost two months since I got here and I haven't posted any entries on that yet! Will do, will do.. One day. Because I have so much to tell, I don't really know where to start. Hehe! Well2, so far everything is great. I'm happy, very happy. Alhamdulillah.. But I've been slacking on work lately, I'm a little worried (sigh) :(

Anyway, the weather here now is very nasty! I mean not in terms of the temperature, more like because this past few weeks we rarely got sun. Every day it was be very dark and it rains almost every time. It really makes people very upset and tired easily. The wind was very fast too. But people said that it's getting worse. I think worse would be hurricane! Nauzubillah.. And the daylight is very short. Maghrib is at 4.54 now. 9am is like 7am at home. Really not helping at all. I'm still getting used to the weather now.. Winter will start soon, I have no winter boots yet. Gonna get a pair maybe this weekend at Rotterdam, insyaallah..

Anddddd, hari raya Aidil Adha is just 3 days away.. I'm going to the embassy, but they will celebrate it a day earlier. I don't really mind as long as I get to eat some rendang or sate, then I'm happy. Of course solat hari raya too.. It must be sad not being able to listen to takbir raya from my kampung's mosque. But that's ok..

Ok lah, I'm going to sleep now. Selamat hari raya Aidiladha to all.. May we be blessed by Allah! :)

P/s - what are you going to sacrifice starting from that day? I want to get rid of my bad habits and start good ones insyaallah, especially my sleep hours and times spend on the internet. Insyaallah..

Have a good week everyone! xx

semalam...

2010-10-26T22:53:00.005+02:00

Ya Allah,
Semalam mungkin telah merubah hidupku,
Namun, aku redha..
Aku tahu, Ya Allah..
Engkau hanya berikan yang terbaik untukku..

Ya Allah,
Engkau pemilik segala rahsia..
Tabahkan hatiku,
Dalam menerima ketentuanMu..

Ya Allah,
Engkau yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang,
Kuatkan imanku..
Bantulah aku untuk mengingatiMu..
Ingatkan aku untuk bersyukur kepadaMu..
Bimbinglah aku ke jalan lurusMU..
Berikan aku kesabaran dalam menghadapi ujianMu..
Kasihanilah aku..
Ampunkanlah dosa-dosaku, Ya Allah..

Ya Allah,
Engkau Maha Mengetahui isi hati hamba-hambaMu..
Ikhlaskanlah aku..
Dalam hidupku..
Dan,..
Dengan takdirMu..

Amin ya Rab...

salam dari bumi belanda

2010-10-25T00:05:00.010+02:00

Dah lama rasanya tak menulis. lebih sebulan. hampir dua bulan. agak sibuk sedikit. banyak perkara harus diselesaikan. banyak perubahan harus dilakukan. lelah. tapi perlu diteruskan sedaya upaya. semuanya bermula dari mimpi. dan akan aku pastikan mimpi-mimpi itu menjadi kenyataan.

awal tahun dahulu aku menulis ini. alhamdulillah... sebahagian mimpi aku telah tercapai. moga Dia memelihara niatku. moga Dia sentiasa membimbingku. moga aku tidak lupa untuk terus bersyukur kepadaNya. moga aku sentiasa mengingatiNya. moga aku sentiasa ikhlas kepadaNya. moga aku tidak leka. moga aku sentiasa sabar. moga aku terus tabah. moga aku tidak mudah putus asa. semua hanya keranaNya, insyaallah...

first time jejak kaki di Belanda :)

two posts in a day? rare.

2010-09-03T09:37:00.000+02:00

Today is my last day at work. Still not finish cleaning up my office. I kept a lot of ~~junks~~ documents. So just imagine how much I've accumulated in nearly two years since I came back from my study leave. Taught for 3 and a half semesters. Was involved in curriculum review two times and development of a new program too. So as of now, the documents I've discarded overflowed two massive rubbish bags. Brought back almost all my books home the last time I went back. What left are all stationeries and the documents in 5 boxes. Sayang nak buang all the assignments. But what to do? Apart from writing this entry, I was actually doing the final report of a short research grant I got last year. I'm not satisfied with the research outcome. But, this is a lesson for me. I'll try harder next time, insyaallah...

Will update more, soon, insyaallah..

Nota Untuk Karimah

2010-09-02T19:30:00.001+02:00

A few days ago I wrote about Dr. Alina's note. Here's what she wrote. Terharu! It may be nothing to you, but it means a lot to me...

***

Alhamdulillah...Akhirnya Allah SWT izinkan kita mendapat khabar berita gembira itu...at last,suratyang ditunggu-tunggu tiba jua...Allah izinkan akhirnya Karimah ke Netherlands-Delft...hmmm. bestnya....Bila la i nak pegi lagi ke Delft nih...cantik...tenang...tapi sebab datang bercuti, tak duduk study kan...

I didn't have the opportunity utk kenal Karimah when she was our student. tapi dengarnya, she was ......(sila isi ditempat kosong sendiri...:P)...Bila Karimah balik belajar, dan lapor diri, that time i was the KJ..ada la ayat-ayat yg rasanya Karimah tak boleh lupa...(was i that bad???:P)hehehe..bila ingat nk tergelak pun ada.i was not friendly at all. and i lantik Karimah to be one of my panel-turn out she's effective and efficient panel..alhamdulillah. She never let me down....Alhamdulillah. Nikmat dariNya, bila kerja-kerja kita dimudahkan melalui those yang bekerja bersama-sasama kita...

Mulanya, I boleh rasa there's a gap between us....(i hope ianya bukan sbb i tua-denial la nih) so we went to dinner sama-sama just the two of us..hehehe...baby ada la...so three of us...lupa lak.sebabnya nk kurangkan or kalau boleh hapuskan that 'gap'...yela sebab banyak kijer kena buat sama-sama. my major weakness bab kijer ni, i cannot work effectively and efficiently if my team members tak selesa, malu kucing etc...so kena macam friends...n ada certain level of trust....(kena bacer buku Covey-Speed of Trust...-best!)alhamdulillah, i guess Allah izinkan i have those with Karimah. i boleh mintak tolong anytime, boleh tegur anytime, boleh ckp apa shj anytime ....Alhamdulillah... bila Karimah wanted to go to Nethelands, i tanpa ragu terus maklumkan pada my sister kat Delft (yang i selalu kata berjuta kali lebih baik daripada i tuh...)utk.give a hand to Karimah whenever she needs one :P dengan syarat....Karimah knows kan....

Rumusannya, i enjoyed working with Karimah...n i hope Karimah pun sama....n tak kecik hati banyak sgt ngan i ok.

PhD is just part of your journey....dalam perjalanan itu nanti, sewajarnya, mengajar kita erti manusia dan kemanusiaan...what i learned most bila i selesai PhD ialah, ianya cuma lesen utk buat research shj....Allah bersama kita sentiasa....pastikan kita merasainya.....fasa pertama, kita 'lost' masa nak cari gap''...dah jumpa lost lagi, macam mana nk buat? dah buat lost lagi...macam mana nak tulih....aiyarkkkk takut tak? hehehe...takderla....once u nampak a light at the end of a tunnel, inshaAllah u'll be ok...ujian akan datang....melalui diri sendiri, malas etc. melalui org lain-jiran, penyewa, supervisor, etc.tolong orang selalu, doakan orang lain selalu, especially org yg sama-sama buat PhD...sabar,sabar , sabar.......doa, doa, doa.....(usaha n tawakkal k....)
selalu contact your parents...mintak mereka doakan ok?

well....need to go now...terima kasih, kerana maklumkan each milestone yg Karimah acheived dalam fasa permohonan hinggalah dah nak pergi...please make doa for me n my family...moga i masih 'ada' masa Karimah balik if sebaliknya, moga kita bersama di negeri yang Abadi....Maaf Zahir Bathin....

Will miss u....

p/s take care

-Ayer Hitam-

Jom berbuka!

2010-09-01T18:35:00.023+02:00

Tadi ada majlis buka puasa jabatan untuk orang berhaluan kiri dan juga lalangs! (whatever that means to you, but it's a long story and I'm not going to share.. hehe!). Buka puasa di kopitiam yang sepelaung dari fakulti je, senang. And the foods were not that bad. Buka puasa bukan makan banyak pun, jadi tak kisah lah. They insisted that the majlis is for my farewell as well. I'm not good at saying goodbye and I hate goodbyes! That's why I rather go quietly and sedar2 dah takde. hehe! But I'm happy nonetheless... K. Janah baked a carrot cake with cream cheese for me. Sedap sangat!!! K. Janah pandai giler masak and selalu dapat order untuk kek, lauk2 etc. Memang bahagia jadi anak dia.. hehe! And, a few months ago I asked K.Janah to bake a red velvet cake. Tapi, dia x sempat2 nak buat. And tak sangka plak tadi dia bawak kek! best! So, here's the ~~pictures from the small get-together~~ cake picture (malas nak upload gambar lain, internet slowwwww) hehe!

Terharu sebab diingati......

2010-08-30T20:04:00.001+02:00

It has been a long time since the last entry. Always wanted to write, but it never happened. ~~Sibuk~~ Malas sebenarnya.... hehe! Yesterday was a terharu day for me as I checked my facebook and found out that Dr. Alina (my previous head of department) wrote a note for me! Terharu sangat... sebab... (well, just terharu... and I think you could understand why. kan?) Terharu giler ok.. huhu!

I'm leaving for Delft after Hari Raya, insyaallah.. I'm having mixed feelings. Most of all, anxious! scared, I can almost shit in my pants. right now the possibility is high because I'm having diarrhea. hihi!

***Viky ~~called~~ more like screamed for me just now! she said JEF is no longer here. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihirojiun... He passed away almost half an hour ago because of asthma. I thought it wasn't real!! How can it be when I just bumped into him this afternoon!!! ya Allah... I wish this is a joke! but, no, I don't really know how i feel now... numb, certainly... sad? maybe... happy? maybe... How can I possibly feel happy when someone died?? so cold! astaghfirullah.... I'm happy because he died on the 21st of Ramadhan.. a holy month... a good night, the start of the last ten days of Ramadhan... my sister passed away exactly on this date (21st Ramadhan) 6 years ago.

Only few people know about this, but I love him... I never talked about this or declared my affection for someone openly before... I love him, ya Allah!! maybe since the first time I saw him 7 years ago... I love him still when he was married and until now. I never love anyone other than him... 7 years!! We could have been together if not for me and my stupid indecisiveness! Astaghfirullah... I feel sorry for his wife.. they just got married last February.. and he was the only child.. his parents must be really sad... innalillah.... may Allah bless his soul and may he be among those who will enter the jannah, amin insyaallah...***

i wanted to write about the note, but heard about the sad news plak. Will talk about it some other time, insyaallah... and please please please sedekahkan al-Fatihah for arwah ok.. thank you!

i just never learn anything!

2010-06-05T17:36:00.000+02:00

Ya Allah! ya Allah!!!!!!

i did the most outrageously unbelievable super stupid sick thing today (and yesterday!!!)!! omigod!!! omigodd!!! omigoddddddd!!!!! i seriously should consider shoving my head in a hole for life!

have mercy on me please, ya Allah... please...

i promise to be a good girl from now on...

help me please...

a rather flat weekend...

2010-05-30T15:48:00.003+02:00

what is it with people and Sex and The City? i know ~~nothing~~ little about it. feels like i live under a rock. well, at least i know sarah jessica parker plays carrie. but, nahh. not interested. and btw, i don't think SJP is pretty. definitely not pretty. she looks weird, her face. i don't know. *yawn*

hmpfhhh! why in the world i blog about this? definitely because of the rain bug. i'm bored! yikess! i rarely get bored. probably because i seldom had time to in the first place.

orite! going to finish reading breaking dawn (for the 2nd time!) up. took a break just now. nature's call. decided to check the news before continuing. that explained the sudden post about SATC. what? of course entertainment news! not CNN whatsoever. there are more pressing-matters-that-need-immediate -action-news, but I'm bored remember? hence, I go look for some entertainment. that's it!

since i'm in the subject of the so called twilight saga, let's talk about it for a bit. well, to be honest, i found the books in the series are boring. booorrrrriiiinggggg to the core! i regretted buying the whole series, a little. have to force my poor self to read them. twilight and new moon made me curse throughout my reading. eclipse is tolerable and breaking dawn is by far, ok. wait, there are only four books in the series! that means, i only found two to be ok. i'm not a good writer. so, obviously i'm in no position to comment about Stephenie Meyer's writing. there's something missing in her writing, though. and i found the words she chose to be very funny at times. and i hate how far too many i-love-you-but-i-can't-be-with-you-because-i-might-hurt-you moments. omg! so irritating how everything keeps going back-and-forths! very slowwwwwww. turn her into a vampire already!!! i took a year to finish the whole series. which is unusual because i'm an avid reader. i don't mind not sleeping and eating to read. but, i have to read them because i need to know how it ends. except for eclipse and breaking dawn - i finish the books in two days - twilight and new moon took ages to be read. i think breaking dawn is the best book in the series simply because all the drama about bella turning into a vampire are over. finally! phewwww. i also like how the story developed in the book. in other books, the storyline are too predictable. but in breaking dawn, there are whole lot of events going on that i didn't see it coming. and just for that, I can pretend that I love the whole series. there is no ending, if there is not a beginning, no? that's why i'm reading breaking dawn again. i love it. or maybe as I said, i'm just plain bored.

but, I still can't wait for the movies to come out. i need to see how the books turn out on a big screen. and also for obvious reason, of course.

bye!

weak...

2010-05-25T08:40:00.007+02:00

these pictures make me want to cry....

source: here

"I'll stay on my side of the table. I promise."

2010-05-24T16:35:00.002+02:00

sigh....

Please remind me, my friend...

2010-05-23T15:31:00.002+02:00

My friends,

If i enjoy this life too much and start to drown into it's riches,

pull me out and remind me of Allah's fire...

If i fall down, weak and unable to rise again,

remind me of the pleasures of Paradise...

If my heart is broken and i am feeling down in the dumps,

inspire my heart with the beauty of Islam...

If i ever hurt you in any way,

let it all out, don't leave it to burn inside...

...i'm here for you

If there is a gap between us,

tell me to build a bridge so we are connected no matter the distance...

If one day i fall asleep and my eyes are unable to open,

accompany my sleep with several supplications and words from the Almighty...

Promise me this my friends,

This bond between us is for eternity...

...may Allah bless us always and guide us to His path...

Amin, insyaallah..

source: here

dancing through life

2010-05-11T18:53:00.003+02:00

A couple hundred years ago Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that 'til tomorrow, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity; you'd think we'd pay more attention to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision. Because... What if you're wrong? What if you make a mistake you can't undo? Whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true: That by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it, it can feel like we're carrying around a giant tumor. And you thought I was speaking metaphorically... 'The early bird catches the worm.' 'A stitch in time saves nine.' 'He who hesitates is lost.' We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time; heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still, sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrows rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of not trying.

Meredith Grey (If Tomorrow Never Comes)

a wake up call.

IK BEN TOEGELATEN!!!!!

2010-05-11T09:14:00.002+02:00

That's dutch for 'I am accepted'! yes3, that's right! I'm accepted to Delft!!

Alhamdulillah.. received the good news this morning, but too sleepy to blog about it then. Ya Allah, you can't possibly imagine how happy and relieved i am. am so happy beyond words! now, at the same time I'm anxious to start. some people said that it will be a lonely journey. a soul searching journey. a journey of understanding yourself and to be closer to Allah... insyaallah, i believe with good intentions, He will always guide me to the right and blessed path, amin.. insyaallah..

I am actually hoping for a fresh start. Hopefully I will become a better person - spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically(?). Insyaallah..

Omar bin Al-Khattab r.a ketika diatas mimbar, katanya: Saya telah mendengar Rasulullah saw bersabda: sesungguhnya segala amalan itu disertai dengan niat, dan sesungguhnya bagi tiap-tiap seorang apa yang diniatnya. Maka barangsiapa berhijrah kerana dunia mendapat habuannya atau kerana perempuan yang akan dikahwininya maka hijrahnya kepada sesuatu yang ia berhijrah kepadanya. (AlBukhori:sohih)

OMAGAWD <- just to quote erin! :P

2010-05-03T19:16:00.009+02:00

i am still on high after watching Iron Man 2 i just need trash it somewhere or else i will talk in my sleep till next morning i'll lose my voice! omigoddd!! the movie is super freaking full of awesomeness! i love its script writer! brilliant. very funny i was laughing throughout the whole movie some people might want to gag me just to make me shut up. hihi! my bad. it was so funny. but no one laughed except for the 3 of us (ok, they did laugh at the obvious funny part of course). but the movie was full of comedy. but, maybe they didn't get the joke, i don't know. but seriously, the ex-wife part was so funnneeeyyyhhhhh!! HAHHAHAHAH! (ok, that was obvious). hahah! ok, you might think that i'm talking about some celup Iron Man on youtube. but then again, why so serious? i know you are expecting an action super heroes movie, but chill laa... i was chilling too much maybe. hehe!

ok funny part aside, of course we watch the film because we want to see some action (*cough* Tony Spark is hotttt *cough*). but sadly, whiplash went down too easy, man! that was a bit disappointing. the action scene was superbbbbb!! the CGI. Tony Stark has super awesome playground in his home!! all the special effects, wowww! but itu laa, whiplash senang giler tumpas! (cewahh!) and Don Cheadle, i don't know. i think i love Terence Howard better. he just..., well doesn't look ok with War Machine. you may think differently, no offense to the great man. but he just doesn't do it for me. and senator Stern went a bit overboard with botox i think. klakar gilerrrrrrrr!! HAHAHHA! overall i love the movie. after Iron Man, we have a very high expectation of Iron Man 2. and, i can personally say that i'm not dissapointed. ok, maybe i am. only for the final battle between Iron Man, War Machine and Whiplash. booo to the part! hehe! and the film is supposed to be about Iron Man, i think some parts are unnecessary. maybe because the script writer is too good, the story became over-dialogued in some parts that cost the action parts. and of cos, they also have to be prepared for The Avengers and all. i don't know and i don't care actually. haha! having said that, i'm gonna watch it again tomorrow! yea, you got me right.

toodleededoowoppp! bye! :P

"Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to exit the donut!" - Nick Fury

LOL! that was a good one. very funny!

break me out

2010-04-29T16:00:00.001+02:00

feels like ages since the last entry. I've been busy. let me stress it again for emphasis.. I AM BUSY. heck! everyone is. so i know i should stop complaining. the truth is, i'm just tired. so tired, i broke down today. tired of everything. work is super demanding. some people think that i could be ordered around. think i could run to two opposite directions at once. wish i could. come on! give me a break, please. i know you have deadlines. i have deadlines too, for god sake. think at this point of time i need me-time. i should be thinking about me. not you. not about meaningless work. definitely not YOUR work (how dare you blackmailed me!! HOW DARE YOUUUU!!!). and i'm tired of the goings on in the department. in the faculty. what has happened to these people? aren't we here to serve selflessly? or are we here to satisfy our bloated egos and selfish needs? why people, why? it should not turned out this way.

and, i'm in a research team for a university's research project. you wouldn't believe how ridiculous this project has turned into. initially, the intentions are all good. but when you mixed it with politics, it is now a circus. seriously? are we doing this so that certain people can serve their bloody damn interest? shouldn't research be novel (ok, not all the time) and not bias? shouldn't we have the freedom to shape the research to reflect what is actually happening? should we determine the outcomes before it even tested? it is not a research then. it is a crap! they are wasting people's time and energy. they are insulting our intelligence! i am contemplating on withdrawing from the team. i don't even want to be involved in the first place. i have enough on my plate to worry about. this team used to be fun. i've learned a lot from them. the Profs, the Drs...now people who shouldn't be in the team, are now in it too. what for? i hate office politics. i always hate politics. i'm not that intelligent for it. politic in any forms has a certain mind-and-behavior-altering substances. people would either look smart or stupid because of it. but most of the times, stupid. and how dare they are talking about teamwork? teamwork your ass! (sorry, of course not YOUR ass :p)

sigh... i feel okayer now. after two months, i should be updating about more important stuffs. not these craps. but then, that's life, isn't it? let's move on to a much happier side. errrr... i'm not that happy today, sadly. so, happy memories of the past few months may be hard to be recalled now. haha (sounds not too enthusiastic, i know). (still thinking of a happy thought after 5 minutes). oo yeahhhhh!! my study leave application is now approved. both by the uni and KPT!! so, now i have a scholarship for my phd! yeayy alhamdulillah... i am so happyyyyyyyyy!! (now i'm a happy bee! and opss, this post may be longggggggggggggggggggggggggggg, very long. please point your pointer to the small x at the right corner of your browser and leave while you still can. i will bore you to death. i'm warning ya now before it's too late. hehe! <- that sounds happier, no?) ok back to the scholarship news. i was on my way back from a BTN camp in Penang when i received the super good news. The dean's PA called at about 4.21pm. i remember i was stuck in a traffic jam that time and was looking at the hills along the highway when she called. i felt numb at first, then everything started to sink in. you have no idea how much it means to me. and you cannot even imagine what i have to go through just to get the scholarship.

btw, I'm going to do a phd in Technische Universiteit Delft, the Netherlands insyaallah... the process of securing a place in the university is even a longer and complicated story altogether. dah penat meraung. those who have had the experience know. but different people might have different opinions and experience. i've applied for a place in melbourne uni before. it was very easy. you find a supervisor who are willing to supervise you, send him/her a proposal of your research, when he/she agreed to supervise then you apply formally, then you'll receive an offer letter. that's it. done. but, others might have different experience. but as for TU Delft, I don't even secure my place in the uni yet...means, i don't have an offer. the processes are very complicated. students are not allowed to submit their application directly to the university. the prospective supervisor and co-sv (and maybe additional co-sv) and a committee which might consists of industrial panels (after a longggg process of interview(SSS) and discussion(SSS)) would decide whether to proceed and submit your application to the university's office (normally through a promoter who is the dean). to cut it short, you have to be very penyabar and very serious to study in the Netherlands.

i bet all universities are very selective especially the good ones. but the process differs. i've started contacting the univ last september and truly communicate with my prospective supervisors by feb. Alhamdulillah they are happy with my proposal and i've done several discussions with my supervisors by phone and i've even did some presentations through skype. and maybe i have to do a presentation again to the committee next week. can you imagine how rigorous the process is? no wonder i'm all stressed out! haha! they will make their decision this week!! please pray for me.... please pray that Allah would make their decision process easier, and the hearts of those involved would be happy to accept me..amin.. insyaallah...

i guess that's all for now. will be updating more often from now on. i miss blogging about mindless stuffs. i miss the random me. i miss the fun me. hehe! (perasan). i hope someone misses me too (if not everyone). hehe!

orite, till the next entry. ciao!

3

2010-02-23T08:06:00.000+01:00

wowww, that was unexpected!

you really don't get it, huhh?

such a thick face u have.

@@$!!

2010-02-09T19:38:00.001+01:00

YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?

LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!

letting go is hard..

2010-02-08T14:04:00.002+01:00

the 100th day of Bachik's passing.

al-fatihah

adrenaline rush!

2010-02-02T21:12:00.000+01:00

these are some of the pictures of phd defenses i found on ERIM website. im all excited looking at the pictures! i went to phd defense (viva voce) before, but from the look of it, nothing of this magnitude.

can almost feel the excitement and the rush of emotions. i wanna be one of them. and i will, insyaallah..

mental toughness + discipline

2010-02-01T15:47:00.003+01:00

i obviously have none.

happiness + sadness = life. no?

2010-01-27T15:52:00.006+01:00

salam! hey! hi! :)

well... well.....,...

*tade idea plak dah nak tulis ape! td time solat sket nya byk idea!! huuu...ok, nmpk sgt solat tak khusyuk -__-*

*5 minutes of jari-jemari statik atas keyboard*

*ayah called a few minutes ago. talked about abang 100th day tahlil.

i miss my brother...

i miss him my heart aches so much, i cant breath...

i miss him...

ateh died 5 years ago, and i still cry myself to sleep when the thoughts of her come to mind...

i miss ateh too...
the holes they left would never heal...

life could never be the same...

ever...

*alang just called. i know she tried so hard not to cry too when i was choking on my tears. asked me to pack my things and sleep at her place. but i said no. got class tomorrow. i need to do some revision, i said. and after some failed attempts to calm me down, we finally laughed at the stupid jokes of my 'imaginary' boyfriend(s) and the story of her gedik husband giving 11 roses yesterday. for eleven years of them being together i guess. the line went off before she could finish her gedik story.

i feel better now.

p/s - this post is not intended to be sad. i wanna write about what a lovely day i had today. but, divergence/distraction is part of life. we could never be sure of anything until it happens.

my head, my turf!

2010-01-25T17:46:00.003+01:00

i have a daunting task that MUST be finished by Wednesday. the main problem now is ME! maybe that's the only problem. why lah it's sooo hard to focus? why lah self esteem sangat low?? why lah i keep making excuses?? i think there's a demon in my head telling me that i'm not going to make it. that people wouldn't like it. that i'm dumb and useless. its mocking me!! its mocking me in my head! my head, my turf!! but wth?? i'm going to shoot that damn demon to hell and back! i'm going to nail it down regardless of what! its now or never. there's too much at stake for me to keep putting it off like what i've been doing for a couple of months now. feel like giving up at times. k.nor thinks that i'm going to do just fine. i'm a survivor she says. i am. have to keep moving forward. because i'm going to africa no matter what!!

credits: fairydust

i feel good now.

"Keep in the sunlight. Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen." - Benjamin Franklin

potongan mozaik!

2010-01-05T19:16:00.007+01:00

jika ikal & arai berjaya menjejaki altar alma mater suci sorbonne, melihat sungai seine membelah di celah-celah kaki eiffel, berkelana dari eropah hingga ke afrika dengan hanya menjadi duyung, hampir mati kerana ilmu dan tegar merempuh angin barat di lautan ganas semuanya hanya kerana berani bermimpi... aku juga mampu jadi seteguh itu!

Rahasia

Kuberi tahu satu rahasia padamu, kawan

Buah paling manis dari berani bermimpi

adalah kejadian-kejadian menakjubkan

dalam perjalanan menggapainya

- Andrea Hirata -

Ps. aku ingin berkelana mencari potongan mozaikku di belanda. akan terus mencari tanpa henti hingga ke ~~birmingham~~ afrika, tanpa henti hingga menemukan. izinkan aku ya Rabbi....

Pps. cinta is gila, kawan (dedicated to a dear friend. u know who u are! love u!!!) ;P

the LAST day of 2009!!

2009-12-30T19:20:00.019+01:00

wowwww!!! such a great-and-not-that-great year is almost over. well, at the point i'm writing this - 22 hours to go for the first decade of the 21st century to end! i was actually preparing lecture notes for a lecture tomorrow and decided to take five, but ended up logging in to facebook which i've been on and off for quite some times now. and realizing that i've also been neglecting this poor blog too, i've decided to write a final post for this year.

so now, 2009 for me is full of blessings in disguise. although, everything took quite some time to sink in, but in the end i've realized that Allah only gives us the best in life, nothing less. we cannot change the cards we are dealt, but we can always choose how to play the hand. it is for us to decide how we want to deal with it.

this year is difficult too, to say the least. but i've had and done so many great things as well. and not every day people say you've set a bar which others have to match. so, all is well i guess.

a friend i haven't seen for almost 2 years said i've changed when we finally met last monday. i think i've changed. and i think i'm aging beyond my age too, which is scary. but i think it is for the best. hopefully.

i sure did a lot of thinking this year. think here think there, as if. whatever.

so to cap this year off,

let's go usher in 2010 with the

widest smile and the biggest steps, jom!!

HAPPY TWENTY TEN PEOPLE!!

p/s - my new year resolutions here. not that great. but go see for urself if you're a busybodyguard. hihi. i kid i kid :P

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2009-12-17T05:36:00.001+01:00

Salam Ma'al Hijrah 1431!

p/s - be safe and happy wherever you are :)